Saturday, October 25 2003 was by far the worst day of my life.
I'm sitting here trying to decide what to write and already my eyes are filling up with tears.
Not unusual since I have cried myself to sleep almost every night for the week leading up to this day.
It happens every year. Every year I think it will get better and I won't feel the pain and regret, but every year it is still there.
On that horrible morning I watched someone I love so much die.
I stood at the foot of his bed and watched him die.
No matter how much time goes by, that horror is with me.
I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Not even my worst enemy.
To stand by the bed of someone you love so much and watch them struggle to breathe and eventually watch the heart rate go lower, and the breathing go slower and finally......
Nothing.
It haunts me.
For most of the year I can put it out of my head. Forget about it. Pretend it didn't happen. That I wasn't there.
But as soon as October creeps up the feeling creeps up within me.
The memories.
Holding onto his hand.
Hugging his neck and whispering into his ear, begging him not to die. Begging him to stay there with us. Begging God not to take him.
That was the last time I talked to God for several months.
Losing someone you love, someone who you had seen almost every day of the first 18 years of your life before you went away to college, losing that person and not having God.
I can't even put it into words.
Lonely.
Complete Loneliness.
I felt totally alone.
I had walked away from God months previously, had pushed my family aside so they wouldn't know what I was doing, know how I was sinning.
I had no one.
That day, The following days.. Alone.
The only bright spot if you will, is that he passed before he could see what I was doing with my life. My sinful heart, my sinful everything. Walking away from God (and my family) for what? Freedom? Fun? The guy I was head over heels with who was completely using me? Not to mention the alcohol. I didn't even like it, coughed every time I drank but it numbed me. It numbed the pain and the loneliness that I was feeling. I think that would have been the worst. To someone who had battled alcoholism and been a totally different man before he was saved, that would have killed him inside to know I was doing that..
I live with those regrets. I live with the regret of the fact I left the hospital as soon as he was out of surgery days previous to him passing. I left to go see the loser I was dating. And I regret that so much.
But I try to think of the positive. I try to think of how happy he would be so see me and Kevin and how our lives are now. He would be so proud of us. He would be so happy to see us walking closely with the Lord, and me getting closer to God more now than ever. He would be so happy to see that Kevin finally found the perfect wife and now they are expecting a little baby boy. He would be proud to see that Kev has turned out so much like him. Such a Godly, caring, great husband and a soon to be wonderful father.
But its also those times where I miss him so much. My College graduation, when I stood in front of thousands of people and gave the commencement address.... I could just think of how he should have been there, how I wished he was there to see me finally succeed.
Kevin's wedding. Probably the happiest day of my life was seeing my brother so happy and in love with the perfect woman God chose for him and brought them together. But as I stood on the stage and looked out at my family, he wasn't there. And I missed him.
And now that little no name is coming.. I wish he was here to meet him. I wish he was here to see what a wonderful father my brother is going to be.
I can just think of these two verses..... 3 John 1:4 I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.
I hope that up in heaven, he can see us, and rejoices.
I love you Grandpa. And I miss you SO MUCH.
I'm sitting here trying to decide what to write and already my eyes are filling up with tears.
Not unusual since I have cried myself to sleep almost every night for the week leading up to this day.
It happens every year. Every year I think it will get better and I won't feel the pain and regret, but every year it is still there.
On that horrible morning I watched someone I love so much die.
I stood at the foot of his bed and watched him die.
No matter how much time goes by, that horror is with me.
I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Not even my worst enemy.
To stand by the bed of someone you love so much and watch them struggle to breathe and eventually watch the heart rate go lower, and the breathing go slower and finally......
Nothing.
It haunts me.
For most of the year I can put it out of my head. Forget about it. Pretend it didn't happen. That I wasn't there.
But as soon as October creeps up the feeling creeps up within me.
The memories.
Holding onto his hand.
Hugging his neck and whispering into his ear, begging him not to die. Begging him to stay there with us. Begging God not to take him.
That was the last time I talked to God for several months.
Losing someone you love, someone who you had seen almost every day of the first 18 years of your life before you went away to college, losing that person and not having God.
I can't even put it into words.
Lonely.
Complete Loneliness.
I felt totally alone.
I had walked away from God months previously, had pushed my family aside so they wouldn't know what I was doing, know how I was sinning.
I had no one.
That day, The following days.. Alone.
The only bright spot if you will, is that he passed before he could see what I was doing with my life. My sinful heart, my sinful everything. Walking away from God (and my family) for what? Freedom? Fun? The guy I was head over heels with who was completely using me? Not to mention the alcohol. I didn't even like it, coughed every time I drank but it numbed me. It numbed the pain and the loneliness that I was feeling. I think that would have been the worst. To someone who had battled alcoholism and been a totally different man before he was saved, that would have killed him inside to know I was doing that..
I live with those regrets. I live with the regret of the fact I left the hospital as soon as he was out of surgery days previous to him passing. I left to go see the loser I was dating. And I regret that so much.
But I try to think of the positive. I try to think of how happy he would be so see me and Kevin and how our lives are now. He would be so proud of us. He would be so happy to see us walking closely with the Lord, and me getting closer to God more now than ever. He would be so happy to see that Kevin finally found the perfect wife and now they are expecting a little baby boy. He would be proud to see that Kev has turned out so much like him. Such a Godly, caring, great husband and a soon to be wonderful father.
But its also those times where I miss him so much. My College graduation, when I stood in front of thousands of people and gave the commencement address.... I could just think of how he should have been there, how I wished he was there to see me finally succeed.
Kevin's wedding. Probably the happiest day of my life was seeing my brother so happy and in love with the perfect woman God chose for him and brought them together. But as I stood on the stage and looked out at my family, he wasn't there. And I missed him.
And now that little no name is coming.. I wish he was here to meet him. I wish he was here to see what a wonderful father my brother is going to be.
I can just think of these two verses..... 3 John 1:4 I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.
I hope that up in heaven, he can see us, and rejoices.
I love you Grandpa. And I miss you SO MUCH.
Comments
so its alittle easier but its still hard. the pain is always there. :(