Tuesday, October 25, 2011

A time for sorrow and a time for joy...

I can't believe it has been 8 years since my Grandpa passed away. In some respects it feels like it was yesterday and in other respects it feels like so long ago. I wish I could just have one more hug with him and tell him I loved him just one more time. Thankfully even though I miss him on this earth I do have the assurance that I will see him again, in Heaven, and eternity with him praising Jesus.

This day is usually very hard for me. Usually the week before I cry myself to sleep almost every night reliving the nightmare of that day. Unless you have seen someone you love die, it is very hard to explain what it is like.

This year has been different. Yes I still miss him but it is easier this year. I think mostly because I have finally forgiven myself. Last year when I was talking to my Mom about this and Blogging about it she said something that actually stuck.

My remembrance of this day is tainted with the fact that I wasn't walking with God at that time and I have many regrets. Mom said to me that Jesus had forgiven me, and my family had forgiven me, but why couldn't I take that and forgive myself? After alot of prayer I was finally able to do that.

So for the first time today is not going to be about sadness and regrets for me, no It is going to be about celebrating the Godly, Amazing man that I was so blessed to have as my Grandpa. So today instead of wearing black and being sad I am wearing his favorite color, blue and thanking God for the time I had with him. I want to share some random thoughts and memories of.

Most Sunday's we would come home from church and have a family dinner at my Grandparents. I remember sitting with Grandpa in his chair reading the comics with him every Sunday.

Grandpa would always be up for playing with me and doing anything I wanted to. This also included playing Beauty Shop with me. He was my one and only customer ! :) But he would let me play with his hair, spray stuff on it (usually water!) and mohawk his hair. He had short hair but the top was kind of long so I would maneuver it all over his head. Bless his heart he just sat there and watched his Cubbies on tv and let me do whatever!!

He had an eternal love for the Cubs even though they never won. I was not a fan of baseball. So I would wait untill he took a snooze and then turn the channel. It NEVER FAILED as soon as i turned the channel he would wake up and say HEY! I was watching that!! Given that he had a snoring problem I knew that wasn't the truth but man he had a radar for when the channel was changed!

He also had a ornery streak a mile wide! He was a sweet sweet man untill it came to spicy foods. He had an iron stomach and I'm beginning to wonder if he had just singed off his taste buds because he could eat the hottest hot pepper you can imagine and not blink an eye. He would tell us it wasn't hot at all and then invariably one of us, being idiots, would believe him. 4 glasses of ice water later when we were finally able to talk he would still be sitting there laughing at us. The sad thing is that we NEVER LEARNED! Fell for it everytime!

He made the best fried potatoes that I have ever had and introduced me to putting them on white bread and making a sandwich out of it. So yummy.

In HS he started buying me my favorite cookies to snack on at his house. Iced Oatmeal from Walmart, the cheapie ones. Untill he passed whenever i would come home from College or anytime that I would be at their house I could open the cabinet by the plates and there would be a package of my cookies waiting for me.

When i was a little girl I was afraid of him and most men. He was a farmer and drove a tractor and for a long time that scared me. He was finally able to win me over to sit and cuddle with him when he started carrying m&m's and chocolate in his front pocket of his flannel shirt (he wore flannel shirts year round, long sleeved)

I loved spending the night at Grandma and Grandpa's and sacking out in the living room right in front of the TV. They would let me stay up late and watch 20/20. I still love that show, even though Hugh Downs and Barbara Walters aren't hosting anymore :) I think that might have been where my fascination with mysteries and such began.

I can see so much of my Grandpa in my brother. The way he carries himself and treats others, the way he treats his wife and now the amazing father he is. It reminds me so much of my Grandpa. I can see him in my father as well. Even though he was his son in law my Grandpa treated my Dad with so much love and so much better than my Dad's parents treated him.

When I look into my Mom's eyes I can see my Grandpa in her, she has almost the same exact shade of blue that he had. Sometimes it makes me want to cry.

I miss my Grandpa alot, and I wish he could be here with us, I wish he could have seen me Graduate college, Kev get married and especially welcome Benjamin Robert, his namesake, into the world. I am thankful for the assurance that I will see him again and sometimes I hope that maybe God will let him peek down from Heaven and see us.
3 John 1:4 I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.

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