I originally wrote this blog back in 2007. The words in it still ring true as the day I wrote them, so In remembrance of my Grandpa and losing him on Oct 25, 2003, I post this in his Honor.
Today was a really hard day for me and my entire family.
6 years ago this morning we lost my Grandpa due to complications following surgery for his lung cancer. I can still remember every detail of that morning. From the huge storm that was going on, getting woken up early by my mom screaming on my answering machine for me to wake up. frantically trying to get to the hospital in Indy while Mom and Kevin and I were all bawling and driving at over 90 miles per hour. Getting pulled over by the Indiana State Police for said speeding. The look on the poor troopers face when he came to the window and the three of us were sobbing so hard we could barely tell him what was going on. He ended up giving us an escort for most of the way back. Whoever you were, thank you so much for your kindness.
I can still remember everything. Even though I try to block it out of my mind, i still remember. Desperately holding onto Grandpa's hand and hugging him while I whispered into his ear begging him not to leave us. Standing at the foot of his bed, watching him be taking off the breathing and seeing his heart beat. He breathed on his own for over a half an hour and it gave me hope that this really wasn't happening, he was really ok, this was just some cruel joke they were playing on us. And then realizing it was happening. Mostly I just remember feeling alone. So very alone. When he died, when we had the memorial service and private burial. I just remember standing alone and crying to myself and feeling so sad. I miss him so much. The only good thing about him dying at that time was that he did not see how I was acting and treating my family, when I was in my rebellion. He never knew about dipwad, or my drinking or anything. If he had known that his pumpkin was drinking after he struggled with alcohol, before he got saved. it would have ripped his heart out. So I am glad he missed that. But I ache for the things he missed. I remember standing at my college graduation, on stage at elliot hall of music, giving my student response, and looking out at my family.. and not seeing him there. he would have been so proud of me, finally graduating college... and i wish he was here to see me now. an actual adult, living on my own, having a great job that i love going to everyday. he would be so proud. some part of me thinks that he is up in heaven and Jesus lets him look down at us when we are having good moments so that he can see we are ok. I hope.
Every year when this week comes, it comes with alot of sadness. I have cried everyday. I cried myself to sleep last night and am sure I will do it again tonight. But this has been the "easiest" anniversary.
I have also been trying to think of the good things about Grandpa and not focus on him being gone, but focus on the times we shared. He was the sweetest man I have ever known. Only once did i hear him say a cross word about someone. That was just who he was. NO matter how horrible you were to him, he would never treat you badly. He was the epitome of Christian Love. Don't let that fool you though, my Grandpa in all of his sweetness, had an orney streak a MILE wide! One of his favorite tricks, was to eat something incredibly spicy, and tell us that it wasn't spicy at all. And we ALWAYS fell for it. ALWAYS! You would think we would learn but he looked so innocent! When i was little I was scared of him. Since he was a farmer and we had a farm, he was always on one of his John Deere tractors. I was a weird little kid and scared of loud noises. OK so I still am!! He would start up his tractor next door at their house and i would run upstairs to my bedroom, hide in the corner and cover my ears and shake. So I was scared of him because I always associated him with the scary tractor. Grandpa was smart though. IN the pocket of his button up flannel shirt that he ALWAYS had on (seriously, it could be 90 degrees and he'd have it on. he was always cold like me:) ) he started hiding candy. Chocolate to be exact. He'd show me the chocolate in his pocket and like a sucker I"d come sit on his lap. Sadly, its still about that easy! HA!! Once he won me over with chocolate I loved him for life.
I have many memories of him. I used to spend the night sometimes on Friday nights at my grandparents even though they just lived next door. Grandpa and I would watch 20/20 together before it was time to go to bed.
Sundays after Church and Sunday dinner I can remember sitting on his lap in his old chair and he would read the comics to me. Garfield was and is still my favorite:)
Talking about Grandpa wouldn't be complete without mentioning his infamous naps. Again, I take after him ALOT! He would nap in his chair while he watched his precious cubs play and I would try to change the channel. as soon as it changed he would automatically wake up and say HEY i was watching that! Even though he had just been snoring the second prior to that. Oh yeah he snored BAD too. BUt not as bad as Grandma! And no I do NOT take after them in that!
I love the way he called me Pumpkin and believed I could do no wrong. He always stuck up for me while everyone was teasing me. He always had those cheap ice oatmeal cookies from walmart in the cupboard for me, even after i went away to college in FL.
He was terrified of spiders and that was about it. I can still remember Standing with him on his bed and screaming for Grandma to come in and kill the spider on the floor for us. Neither of us would move untill she came in and would kill it and look at us and shake her head and say you wimps!!
Everytime I would come home with a dog that just needed some LOVE!!!! Even when the dog was s mean it wouldn't let any of us near it, he would let me keep it. And he grew to love all 4 of them. (not at the same time!) OK so I was slightly miffed when he re named my dog to BEASTIE in stead of my beautiful name i had given him, Midnight. But oh well :)
He loved my Grandma with all he had. Even when she would get out of bed with no makeup, her teeth not in, and he hair going everywhere, he would tell her that she looked beautiful, and he was telling the truth.
I wish you could have known my Grandpa. He was truly an amazing man.
I loved who he was and I hope that someday I can be half as good as he was.
I love you Grandpa, and I will never forget.
Comments