I walked into Bible Study that night feeling pretty confident. After 14 weeks of being hit over the head each and every Weds night of what was wrong in my life and heart that I need to change to become more like Christ, I was SURE that this was going to be the one week where I was not going to be convicted. I mean after all, it was about Speaking love and words of encouragement. Hello, I am a Words of Affirmation girl! I send notes to people and try and build them up as much as possible. I love doing that. So I was positive that I had NOTHING to work on and I was just going to sit there and pat myself on the back for finally getting something right.
Clearly I was not paying close enough attention during the lesson on PRIDE a few weeks ago.
Needless to say Bible Study did not exactly go as well as I thought it was going to.
Whitney started teaching and almost from the very first words that came out of her mouth God started speaking to me.
And what he had to say wasn’t pretty.
All this time I thought that I had things under control and handled situations well. I hate confrontation, literally I get a tight burning feeling in my chest and feel like I’m going to die just at the thought of telling something unpleasant or something that they would possibly have an un favorable reaction to. Since I can’t even do that I certainly never tell people mean things about themselves, even when they hurt me.
But wait.
I don’t tell them to their face. But I tell other people. I get all worked up, and my chest and neck and face goes into its rashy-ness, my voice goes high pitched and I swing my arms and hands around in my righteous indignation like a wind turbine having a seizure. I make sure that whoever is around me FEELS my indignation and AGREES with me because of course nothing is ever my fault! Right? I mean that’s just me! I’m a female and I’m outgoing, I have words and I need to get them out. So venting about something or someone is perfectly fine.. Or is it?
If that wasn’t enough I sit and think up smarmy responses in my head and perfect scenarios where I come face to face with whoever is on my bad list at the moment and they are struck dumb and silent and me in my greatness says all of the incredibly smart things I have thought up and they are in awe of my awesomeness.
Or something to that effect.
As I’m having this revelation, I hear Whitney say something about what’s in our hearts comes out through our speech, and God puts this verse in my head.
"You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." Matthew 12:34
Well then.
That’s not a good sign.
So really what’s in my head, the nasty, biting comments I think up, and all of my venting to my friends, that’s coming out of a nasty heart?
Yikes.
I think of all the moments when I have gotten frustrated at work, and while I haven’t said anything TO the person /cough/ student /cough/ I’ve certainly had sarcastic comments that I’ve oh so nicely shared with those around me after said frustration has departed. That’s not exactly showing Christ’s love to the masses. Quite the contrary in fact. Suddenly I realize my ability to come up with “funny’ sarcastic comments without even thinking about them or realizing what I’m saying isn’t exactly a character trait that I should be proud of.
And then I heard Whitney nail the final nail in my coffin of sin:
“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Ephesians 4:29
Eeks.
At that point I was stuck between wanting to bang my head on the table and have a tongue removal because that was the only way I was convinced I could keep myself from saying these nasty thoughts.
Had I been building up anyone?
Nope.
Are my words GIVING GRACE?
Negative.
Wow.
I wish I could sit here and tell you that since last week I have discovered the magic cure to it all and never will have such nasty thoughts or say sarcastic comments. I haven’t. But what I have discovered is that NOT saying them. Makes you feel a whole lot better than saying them. And when you have a nasty thought in your head, saying these verses really can stop you in your tracks. It’s true that where your focus is, lies where your heart will be. I’m not perfect by any means, and I will probably fail sometimes, but I am striving to put my focus on Christ and Giving Grace to those around me.
And please, if you are around me and I start “venting” or spouting off, gently remind me of what I should be doing.
Clearly I was not paying close enough attention during the lesson on PRIDE a few weeks ago.
Needless to say Bible Study did not exactly go as well as I thought it was going to.
Whitney started teaching and almost from the very first words that came out of her mouth God started speaking to me.
And what he had to say wasn’t pretty.
All this time I thought that I had things under control and handled situations well. I hate confrontation, literally I get a tight burning feeling in my chest and feel like I’m going to die just at the thought of telling something unpleasant or something that they would possibly have an un favorable reaction to. Since I can’t even do that I certainly never tell people mean things about themselves, even when they hurt me.
But wait.
I don’t tell them to their face. But I tell other people. I get all worked up, and my chest and neck and face goes into its rashy-ness, my voice goes high pitched and I swing my arms and hands around in my righteous indignation like a wind turbine having a seizure. I make sure that whoever is around me FEELS my indignation and AGREES with me because of course nothing is ever my fault! Right? I mean that’s just me! I’m a female and I’m outgoing, I have words and I need to get them out. So venting about something or someone is perfectly fine.. Or is it?
If that wasn’t enough I sit and think up smarmy responses in my head and perfect scenarios where I come face to face with whoever is on my bad list at the moment and they are struck dumb and silent and me in my greatness says all of the incredibly smart things I have thought up and they are in awe of my awesomeness.
Or something to that effect.
As I’m having this revelation, I hear Whitney say something about what’s in our hearts comes out through our speech, and God puts this verse in my head.
"You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." Matthew 12:34
Well then.
That’s not a good sign.
So really what’s in my head, the nasty, biting comments I think up, and all of my venting to my friends, that’s coming out of a nasty heart?
Yikes.
I think of all the moments when I have gotten frustrated at work, and while I haven’t said anything TO the person /cough/ student /cough/ I’ve certainly had sarcastic comments that I’ve oh so nicely shared with those around me after said frustration has departed. That’s not exactly showing Christ’s love to the masses. Quite the contrary in fact. Suddenly I realize my ability to come up with “funny’ sarcastic comments without even thinking about them or realizing what I’m saying isn’t exactly a character trait that I should be proud of.
And then I heard Whitney nail the final nail in my coffin of sin:
“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Ephesians 4:29
Eeks.
At that point I was stuck between wanting to bang my head on the table and have a tongue removal because that was the only way I was convinced I could keep myself from saying these nasty thoughts.
Had I been building up anyone?
Nope.
Are my words GIVING GRACE?
Negative.
Wow.
I wish I could sit here and tell you that since last week I have discovered the magic cure to it all and never will have such nasty thoughts or say sarcastic comments. I haven’t. But what I have discovered is that NOT saying them. Makes you feel a whole lot better than saying them. And when you have a nasty thought in your head, saying these verses really can stop you in your tracks. It’s true that where your focus is, lies where your heart will be. I’m not perfect by any means, and I will probably fail sometimes, but I am striving to put my focus on Christ and Giving Grace to those around me.
And please, if you are around me and I start “venting” or spouting off, gently remind me of what I should be doing.
Comments