Wednesday, February 26, 2014

#ChooseJoy #JoyGivers365 Week 8- When the pain is overwhelming.

This post was written at two different times in one day. As you can see at the middle it drastically changes. I struggled with whether to share this or not. This past year I have strove to become more like Mary in Luke 2:19 "And she pondered these things in her heart" But this is my life, and the reality that my family and I are currently walking through.

This is my Birthday week. By far it is my favorite week of the year! When time gets closer and closer to 2-27, I become giddy with anticipation. I love this week.

This year, this week is not so fabulous. Life, circumstances, are all hitting on my beloved week of the year. Instead of finding myself excited for my Birthday, I almost want it to be over and huddled in a ball on my couch. I am trying to be excited and happy, but in reality I am just going through the motions and trying to get through each day.

My Grandma is in the end stages of cancer. Now we come to the real reason I am in a "funk" this week. Her birthday is the day before mine. For the past 31 years we have celebrated our birthdays together. Now I am faced with the reality that this is her last Birthday on earth. As much as she is ready for Heaven. I am not ready for her to leave me.

Later the same day..
I started writing this blog earlier in the afternoon. When I came back to finish it I found out that my Grams time on earth is much less than we anticipated. I've been crying for the past 45 mins. I just got a hold of my tears and now that i'm typing I'm sure they are going to start up again.

Through this year long journey of her cancer returning it has been my goal to rejoice when she passes and goes to Heaven. Because I know that leaving this life is not the end. Death is in fact not death when you are a believer. Her life on earth is finished but her eternal life in Heaven is just beginning.

It's hard for me to picture my life without her. For the past (almost) 32 years of my life she has always been there. I was much closer to my Grandparents than most children are, as they lived next door to my parents on the farm. The first 18 years of my life before I moved to Florida for College I saw my Grandma and Grandpa almost every day.

After College, despite moving to L-town and being an hour away from my family she remained a huge part of my life. We were as thick as thieves me and my Grandma and could often be found getting into trouble together.

I hurt for what my life is going to be like without her. I've always known, as she has told me, that she would do anything in her power for me, And she has shown that time and time again throughout my life.

So life without Grandmama (as I would call her in a french accent) is going to be hugely different. It hurts to think about her not being there Christmas morning and her and Dad "arguing" over who prayed last Christmas and whose turn it was this year.

It hurts.

But the rational side of me realizes that she is not gone. Yes, she will be gone from this earth, but I will see her again!  This may not be the most biblical, but I've began to think of Heaven as a distant land with no internet or phones. I'm going there someday, I just don't have my passport and ticket yet. Grams has her ticket and she's headed there right now.

Heaven is real.

And she is headed there.

Within a very short time she is going to see Jesus!

that deserves all caps.



I try and try but I can't even come up with an image or idea in my head of what that is going to be like!

She's going to finally be reunited with my Grandpa. I know how much she has missed him the past ten years, we all have. I'm honestly jealous that she is going to get to see him again (soon). She'll be able to see her son, my Uncle Bobby, who died when he was a teenager. He was what God used to save my Grandparents and my Mom!

So I know that death is not sad for her. She will finally be free from the pain and the intense suffering she has been through this past year. I am not sad for her.

I am sad for us. For my Mom, who is losing her last parent. For my Dad who is losing the woman who was more a mother to him than his own was. My nephew, who dearly loves his Great-Grandma Bama. My brother who would kill me if i said anything about him. And for myself. I'll never have a Grandparent watching me walk down the aisle and get married. Or have children. Our family gatherings are down to just my parents and my brother, sil and nephew.

I'm beginning to ramble now and really need to clean my glasses, the tears are getting in the way of actually being able to see.

I was googling a bible verse (yes, I google bible verses, so much easier when you're looking for a particular subject) and this verse in Philippians 1 really stood out to me. I think it pretty much says it all.

21 For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. 22 If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. 23 I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better 24 But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account

And to end, my favorite verse that I remind myself of whenever I am hurting. The Lord knows my hurts and he loves me. No matter what ever happens to me in life, nothing can keep me from the love of my father. He knows my hurts, he knows my pain.

 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

1 comment:

LizzieB said...

I heard a man on the radio talking the other day about losing his wife to cancer-and I loved a comment he made. Gma always talked about how she was going to "win, and beat this" cancer, and he said that believed his wife did beat it, the day she was "promoted to glory" as our Pastor likes to say. I love the thought that she IS going to beat his, and she WILL have victory, one that will last the rest of eternity.