Wednesday, March 19, 2014

#ChooseJoy #JoyGivers365 Weeks 9, 10,11- Losing someone you Love

 I've been MIA on the blog lately. After my last post on my Grams Birthday, Feb 26, she went to be with Jesus on Feb 28, the day after my birthday. My birthday was very painful and difficult. Thankfully I have some wonderful friends who were great to try and keep me occupied and kept me from being alone most of the day.
 When we found out her cancer was back in Jan of 2013, I very clearly heard the voice of the Lord telling me that this is how we would lose her and I needed to prepare myself. It's been my goal thru the past year, especially the final 6 months of her life when she was in such bad shape, to rejoice when she went to be with Jesus. I was not rejoicing very much on my birthday, I can tell you that! Going through the day knowing that she could breathe her final breath at any moment. It was hard. It was really hard. I think having her go by our birthdays, that we had celebrated together every year of my life, was just difficult. Knowing that was coming to an end. On the other hand it does not surprise me that my Grams wanted to go to Heaven for her birthday! Seeing Jesus and my Grandpa is pretty much the greatest birthday ever!
 I got "The Call" right as I was finishing a lesson that Friday night. Instead of sorrow and pain, I actually felt JOY! Please don't read this wrong as I was happy she was gone. I am going to miss her so much! BUT, she has been bedridden for months and months, and in so much pain. She hasn't been able to really live her life. The first words that came to my mind was that she was FREE! Free from the pain and suffering and the cancer that has ravaged her body!

 As I was talking to my Mom on the phone, I realized what was happening! I shouted into the phone (sorry Mom!) DO YOU REALIZE WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW???!!! Grandma just saw Jesus! SHE IS LITERALLY FACE TO FACE WITH HIM RIGHT NOW!!!! Just realizing and imagining that, or trying to, made me want to jump out of my skin in excitement! Can you even think about how awesome that would be?? That got me teary eyed and emotional, just thinking about what was happening in Heaven at that very moment. I'm tearing up right now just thinking about that awesomeness!
After I hung up the phone, I wasn't sure what to do for a second. And then I knew. I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I needed to Worship! So I worshiped the best way I know, through music.

I walked over to my Piano and sat down and played the song I was going to perform at her memorial service. "It is well with my Soul" let me tell you by the next to last page of the song I was playing so loud that people in Alaska most likely heard me.

I sat at my Piano and worshiped my face off for a good half hour. I will always treasure those moments. When I just sat down and had some time with my Savior, praising him and putting my focus on him in those moments.

March 9'th we held her Memorial service, all Glory goes to God that I was able to perform "It is well with my Soul" without crying. It was important for me to perform it for two reasons. One, My Grams was the one who started me in Piano lessons. 20 years ago she couldn't take me banging on the piano anymore, and decided I was going to take lessons so I could play properly. Literally without her I would not be who I am today! And Secondly, the words to the song really spoke to how I (wanted to) feel about her passing.

My brother gave the Eulogy, it was beautiful, funny, and so well spoken. I have never been as proud of him as I was at that moment.

So now begins life on earth without her. Grief is a funny thing, it hits when you least expect it. Although I feel Joy that she is finally free from her cancer ridden earthly body, I still miss her. I am reminded of this at unexpected moments. 

A few days ago I was going through all of my birthday and sympathy cards and accidentally opened and read the card she had written days before she passed. I sat at my desk and just cried. It was really, really hard. I had to put it away to save for a later date, just thinking about it now makes me very emotional. I miss her.

Joy comes in as a Christian we know that death is not the end, only the beginning! I am thankful that I will see her again.

No comments: